nicholas sparks...shut your trap, eh?

If you've been out from under your rock in the last six months, chances are you've heard of Nicholas Sparks. Y'know, the infamous author behind tearjerker Dear John and the upcoming Miley Cyrus vehicle, The Last Song. If you've been wandering about a bit longer, you might've heard of his other offsprings, The Notebook and Message in a Bottle. And, most likely, half of you haven't thought twice about his formulmatic mellow-dramas. Sure, good for quick entertainment on a rainy day. Not exactly Pulitzer Prize winners, but they have their own charm, right? Not to mention the fact that Rachel McAdams makes everything good.

Well, that's what I thought, at least. Until I read this Cyrus/Sparks interview on USAToday.

Well, where to begin? How about at the sheer audactiy of this man not only labelling his own novels, but raising himself above fellow authors who most would say write the exact same things he does, except, you know, better?

When asked what genre he does belong in, he dubs them "love stories", saying his words do not cross the "fine line" of melodrama, that he doesn't "emotionally manipulate" his readers, that he is literally tha best Writer of Teh Love Story on this green earth. He also insults McCarthy and compares his work to Hemingway and, I quote, "A Farewell to Arms, by Hemingway. Good stuff. That's what I write. Good stuff."

Who the fuck do you think you are, mister?

I'll tell you who you are, Nicholas Sparks. Your an overrated, pompous, mediocre chick-lit writer who is about as respected in the literary field as Twilight--nay, even Twilight has some artistic integrity. At least Twilight isn't commisioned by Disney as the latest Teen Pop Sensations Serious Acting Debut. At least Twilight doesn't go around discussing his characters in the same sentense as Romeo and fucking Juliet. At least Twilight doesn't pretend to be more then it is--a mellodramatic teenage vampire saga with a flat heroine and a broody 115-year old boy. At least Twilight doesn't hold itself above the great Blood Meridian. At least Twilight doesn't assosiate itself so closely with Greek-fucking-tragedies, you self-important prick. Your so called "literature" is, at best, inoffensive teen beach trash and, at worst, repetitive, emotionall-manipulative and poorly written romances. Yes, Sparks, you do not write "love stories". You write romances, same as every other author in your genre--YES, you do have a genre (except less sexy). There are other people who do what you do. And they do it with at least a shred of dignity to their name. They are not proposioned by suits like some sort of cheap whore. They write what they want, and they do not take it to Disney before they even pick up their pen. You, sir, are not an artist, you are not at parr with Hemingway, or Shakespeare, or Jane Austen, or any of those Greek tragedians you cite so gloriously. You are a middle-aged man who writes novels about people falling in love and then dying, a cheap emotional ploy that, yes, is very mellodramatic.

And you, Cyrus, piping in with your little quip about Catcher in the Rye like you own two brain cells. Like your so frikken smart cause you read a book? As the author who wrote this article proclaimed, it is practically law for every seventeen year old to lurv the Catcher in the Rye.

I didn't like either of these guys before, but they have officially lost whatever respect I had for them. Both are mediocre, overblown sensations who have absolutly zero archival quality. And, I'm sorry, but anyone who cites their own novel as their "favorite tale of youth" is just a douche. At least have some fake humility, for Gods sake!

Alright, that's it. Tell me what you think.