Perez Hilton Can Suck My Dick

I'm a bit obsessed with pop culture. There's just something about the rich and famous that fascinates me to no end. So, naturally, I read a lot of gossip sites. Some analytical, like Jezebel or Celebrity Gossip, Academic Style. Some complete trash, like E!Online or Pop Eater. And, you know, Perez fucking Hilton.

Please believe me when I say there are so many things I don't give a shit about. Generic blonds on CW shows, Justin Beiber, Charlie Sheen, Canadian politics, the Kardashions and, for quite some time, Perez Hilton. I didn't dislike them, nor did I like them. I just didn't care.

Sure, I read Perez Hilton, just because it seemed to be the best place to get instant, straight-off-the-headline celeb news without all the bullshit padding E! seemed to love. I never thought he was particularly funny, and those stupid dick drawings were kind of ridiculous, but I never understood why people got into such a bother about him.

Well, apprently he did and quickly made a very awkward and forced appearence on Ellen or something to tell every he's changed, ya'll! Because of the recent gay suicides, he will NO LONGER BE A BULLY. Which is fine. Because he was kind of a bully. Except not the one that everyone laughed with, more the fat kid in the corner who called you a doucher on facebook. Whatever. Yay.

But the thing is, without his juevenile insults, you really get a feel of how frikken stupid this guy is.

Even before this change, you got hints of it. Acting like a spokesperson for all things Gay and Lesbian, complete lack of wit or commentary, and just generally acting like a twelve year old girl who's discovered the internet. But now? Stupid has reached new levels.

Not only has his whole "Us Gays Need To Stick Together!" schtick become so much more prominent (treating every teen suicide in the country like a personal attack on gays, using the word FABOOSH excessively and without cause, calling people "bb", etc), but the inherent ass kissing he has replaced insults with is UNFRIKKENBEARABLE.

It's so obvious, too. When a particularly boring celebrity says or does anything, instead of just, you know, reporting the news and be done with it, he adds little quips such as "They really look so happy, don't they?" or "Looking fierce, bb!" or just offering one of those dinner party jokes that you add a "Ha!" at the end so people, you know, are aware it's a joke. (Literally, he adds "Ha!" at the end...)

Worse, though, is the self-righteousness he's developed towards anyone who disagrees with his personal viewpoint (which seems to ONLY reflect gay rights). I'm all for gay rights and everything, but THERE ARE OTHER AND MORE IMPORTANT THINGS GOING ON THEN REGGIE BUSH ASKING HIS TWITTER FOLLOWERS IF THE TERM "NO HOMO" IS OFFENSIVE.

HAVE I MENTIONED that he has a tendency to treat his followers like five year olds? Like this comment he added to a report that Passports have become gender neutral:

Now, this might seem rather silly to you, but the change is actually a positive step forward in recognizing children and parents in different families, like ones with two mommies or two daddies.

Like we don't know what a "positive step forward" is? Like we're freaking idiots who don't know what "gender neutral" means? Goddamn.

Look, anything I have to say as probably been said before, but I can't tell you how simply done I am with that frikken website. There is no humor or depth or anything else to it. There's just this guy acting like a bad impersonation of stereotypical gay men who is niether funny nor smart nor anything but annoying. Kissing ass and taking names, I'd like to end this rant with a hearty PEREZ HILTON CAN SUCK MY DICK.

K. Now I have a paper on Jesse James to write.