3 Things in the Current <em>Batman</em> Continuum I Can <em>Not</em> Get Behind

I love Batman.

I really, really do.

I have always loved him. Since first flipping on the TV and snagging onto those old-ass episodes of The Justice League (You know, with Black Green Lantern?) He was brooding, he was subtle, he was so very human. Even the simplicity of Saturday morning cartoons had always been able to capture this about him. He was not Superman, he did not have superstrength or speed. He was just a dude with money, a butler and a cape. These simple things have let hope surge from countless skinny comic book nerds everywhere, offering them the slight, shining possibility that they too may become superheroes. In my opinion, that is both deadlier and, well, way more awesome then being able to fly. (Okay, not by a lot, but still.)

Soon, these cartoons sunk into comics, into movies, into analytical books, into obsession. Soon, I was buried in all Bat-things. Checking out outragious amounts of anthologies from the library, Youtube clips of the Tim Burton movies, even (totally illegal) online viewings of OG comic panels. Yes, I read other comics, other stories, but Batman was always it for me. In fact, there was a time about three years ago where I could have totally recited every single member of the Bat Family, in all their versions, all their universes--Post Crisis, Pre Crisis, Otherwords, Black and White, companion graphic novels...anything that had conceivably happened to any character related to and with Batman, I knew. Of course, this knowledge eventually faded as homework piled up, boys got cuter, boobs got bigger and hair care became too important to just slap into a ponytail. Yes, I still read, but only things I wouldn't be completly embarrassed to be seen out with in public--as in, all the lovely novels I've reviewed thus far on this blog. Fantasy, sci-fi, YA. Batman became second banana.

And then came Neil Gaimen.

The current cycle of Batman is over, we're back to square one, and the dude bringing all this shiz to a close is Gaimen, the Literary Rockstar.

He wrote Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusador?. I read it. Obsession: back on.

This isn't a review. It doesn't need to be. And I won't spoil the beauty of Gaimen's work by making it one. All I need to tell you is that it's amazing, everything one would expect from a closing Batman comic and more. It's beautiful and you have to, need to, buy it immediatly.

But anyway. I decided to do a quick search through Wikipedia and catch up on the shit I missed in my two year hiatus from the Batman world.

And I am not happy.

I get it; there's a lot of side-stories in comics, lots of maybes and kind ofs, lots of ressurections. Nothing is definite. Nothing is solid. But I've compiled a list of things I am not liking with the latest storylines. Now, again, I haven't read these latest comics, only the Wikipedia pages; if I'm not getting something, please feel free to explain something to me because I don't get it.

3) Bruce Wayne has a son.

Am I completly naive to say this would never happen? I mean, I get that he has sperm and, you know, he gets around. But...hasn't he already adopted like four kids? Can't he be content with this? (Technically, he's nearly eighty.) But guys...he's Batman. He doesn't have children. He...he eats children. And, once more, he doesn't have whiney, spoiled little bitches for children. Other then Jason Todd. Jason Todd sucks.

Speaking of Jason Todd, this kid--Damon Wayne--is the new Robin. He is also the son of Ra al Ghul's daughter. He was also raised by villains. He also tried to kill Tim Drake so he can become the new Robin in the first place. Yeah, good call Bats.

Speaking of which....

2) Dick Grayson as the new Batman.

I like Nightwing. I also like Dick Grayson, by assosiation. He has grown a lot since his days as the first Robin. However, he certainly is not Batman material. Not that he's not all kinds of badass and all. He just doesn't have...the attitude. The brooding. You know. The angst. I mean, whats he gonna say? "Holy fishpaste...me." It wouldn't work. Especially with Damon Wayne as his Robin, who--despite his stupidity---is way more of a Batman-type character then Dick. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being touchy, since, you know...

3) BRUCE WAYNE IS DEAD.

Or kind of dead. Or something. I don't know. But he's proclaimed dead and then Dick becomes the new Batman, and this is all happened after Final Crisis and Batman R.I.P., so I shouldn't be surprised that he's dead-dead, but...dead-dead? Dead enought to replace? With Robin? I'm sorry, I just can't handle this.